My World This Week - Randomness 1 and My TV Top 5s

Hello again


So I thought it might be fun, from time to time, to give you a glimpse into my world.  It's a life where randomness prevails, where I laugh a lot, and to be honest, where people laugh at me.  But I'm fine with that.  I believe mockery is a sign of great love lol, so here we go.


In the Twittersphere, this week I discovered @MarianKeyes.  She's a famous Irish author and her tweets are hiLARious.  She writes them with an Irish lilt and they just bubble and burst with life.  I smile, everytime she's in my feed.

At work, one of the things I've been doing is sifting CVs for a recruitment drive.  I am never less than staggered by the CVs we receive, and this week's highlight was the young lady who proudly proclaimed on her CV "I don't read or write well but I don't let that stop me". Well honey, bravo, I am actually quite proud of you for ploughing on and not letting it hold you back, but unfortunately applying for a role where reading and writing are required is not optimal.   Biggest smile though?  The person who described themselves as a "bubble person".  I'm pretty sure they meant bubbly, but I much prefer the image of a totally spherical person bouncing down the corridors, being careful not to pop.



I think you know my obsession with chinese food.  There's pretty much nothing I won't do for noodles and starters, and this week I managed to go to my favourite chinese restaurant after bullying a friend.  Yes.  We had agree to go to an Indian, and I was actually quite excited about this, but then someone mentioned the C-word and I was a goner.  Sorry, not sorry.



Bluebelle has driven me a little bonkers this week.  With the weather getting colder she'd more up for cuddles, and is perfecting that cat requirement of walking EXACTLY where you are about to walk and thus tripping you up.  On Monday she dropped a turd that could quite literally have gassed a nation.  Meaty is an understatement. And today she is running round like a thing possessed thinking there is roast chicken in the house.  No fluffy, I put a chicken STOCK CUBE in my noodles. FFS.



The lowlight of my week was Beth's theatre trip to somewhere to see something.  I totally get why theatre trips are part of an education, but I resent it when they interfere with my sleep.  So her school planned a trip where they would get back at MIDNIGHT.   MIDNIGHT !!!!!! That means I would have to go to bed, wake up, collect the daughter and then go back to bed. MIDNIGHT !!!!   Why couldn't they go to a fucking matinee?


So there I am, pre-midnight, in the car park, in pj's (obviously).  Gradually, more parents arrive, and then there is the distinctive sound of a collective of teenage girls.  Car doors slam, the car park empties, and I am the only parent left there.


Hhhhmmmm.   Dressed in PJs, I can't quite go and check where the bus parked.  So I ring the daughter.  No answer. Text her.  Messenger her.  Snapchat her.  No answer. Ring her another 12 times.  NO ANSWER.  The evolving part of my brain tries to tell me "maybe there were 2 coaches" but my anger and my anxiety rises.  


Then a couple more cars arrive in the car park, like late night deja vu.  Hhhmm, maybe there IS another bus.   20minutes later, more cars, raised teenage voices, and finally my daughter bounces into the car.  "Sorry, I fell asleep" ..........

Snapchat is my new favourite thing, purely for the map feature.  It's great for an anxious parent, not so great when the child doesn't answer gggrrrr.  It's crazy how powerless we feel when, despite all these communication methods, there is no answer.  In social-media-space no one can hear you scream if no one's listening.

TV is awesome at the moment.   Autumn is always the season where the Big Guns come out - here are the Top 5 shows I am watching at the moment (that are going out weekly) - 

911 - fabulous, dynamic, high energy about the emergency services in LA.   Great cast, wit and Ryan Murphy

For The People - from Shondaland but not BY Shonda, I love this lawyerfest, especially the spikey Kate Littlejohn.



A Discovery of Witches - I feel like I've waited my whole life for this - a grown up show about witches, vampires and magic AND it's got Matthew Goode in it !!

Bodyguard - the show everyone was talking about!   I do think the hype made it under-deliver slightly, but this had great tension, great plotting and the masterful Jed Mercurio.



Dr Pimple Popper - oh god I love this show and this woman.  I love pus exploding out of people's bodies (I'm less keen on the lumps of fat she removes).  I think it's because it's an allegory for depression, and I imagine all the poison and toxicity is being squeezed out, leaving me pure again.  Ha ha.

And then here are the Top 5 other stuff I've watched and loved in September - 

The Sinner - Netflix - a fabulous thriller, a WHYdunnit rather than a whodunnit.  Beautifully unravelled over 8 episodes.

Ozark.  I LOVE Ozark. It seems to get no publicity but it's fabulous.  Great acting, the great Jason Bateman and Laura Linney, and a fabulous standoff between a Mexican drug cartel and Missouri rednecks



Killing Eve.   Me and Beth LOVE Sandra Oh.   Her time as Cristina Yang on Grey's Anatomy is one of the highlights of our televisual life, and we WISH we were her.  Killing Eve was just fucking awesome, and not just because of Sandra.  Jodie Comer was amazing as the assassin with a million accents, and Phoebe Waller-Bridge's script added sarcasm and spike to an already crazy plot.  Pure joy.

Safe.  Harlan Coben has long been one of my favourite authors and the TV world has suddenly realised what a master of deception he is.  This is just supreme in every way.  A show so good, it made me wish for my memory to be wiped of all knowledge of it, just so that I could have the pleasure of watching it again.  Great acting, and the best British accent by an American EVERRRRR.



Sharp Objects.  Oh wow.  Sharp Objects.  I feel this deserves a holy silence.  Again, another fabulous book BRILLIANTLY adapted, and Amy Adams (playing against type) is just amazing.   The ending of the book took my breath away, and I LOVED seeing the shock on the daughter's face when that moment arrived.  You will not find anything better on TV at the moment.

Right, I'm off to paint my nails something dark and dramatic.  Have a great week and see you soon!

Hello Autumn, Goodbye Mental Health

Well hello!



This week, we crept into autumn.  For most of my life, it's been my favourite season - the tumble of leaves, the kaleidoscope of colours, the blessed relief of cooler temperatures and (yes, I was that child), the excitement of going back to school.


Autumn always felt like the season that matched my soul.  In many ways it was like the rebirth of my year (echoes of back to school, I think) and I used to adore the slow, thrilling slide towards Christmas and all things darker (including the season of the witch).



Nearly 20 years ago that all changed when my mother died, and now, Autumn is just a long, drawn out, painful echo of everything I lost when she died, and it puts me in a 4 month funk that is really hard to break.  It leaves me weak, and depression gleefully sneaks into my cracks.


So why specifically does Autumn break me?  Well, for a start the Autumn Equinox is on September 23rd, my mother's birthday.  It's like the very shift of the season rings a death bell and peels the scab off my loss.  It's September 23rd, welcome to absence.




Then the nights begin to darken, the days get shorter,and the mornings arrive in a shroud of gloom.   Some days, it's very hard to get out of bed and greet the dark, especially when you know that for 3 solid months, it's just going to get darker every day.  And suddenly, just like that, my mood syncs with the season, and each day gets darker, duller, drearier.


I used to laugh at people who claimed they had SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), but do you know what?  These days, I love spring.  I crave the crawl towards April and the moment the days get brighter and lighter - and I mean lighter in both senses of the word.  It's as if the greater stamina of the sun lifts my soul.


So on we trawl through autumn, days getting darker, and markers of death at every turn - grandparents no longer here, relationships that ripped me to pieces, last memories of my mother.  It all accumulates.  Every day on dark roads filled with wankers and potholes, I feel I dodge my death as I travel back and forth to work.  Me and the A1 and darkness, it's a combination which scares the crap out of me.



And then it's December 3rd, the anniversary of the day my mother died, and when my life changed forever.  I didn't just lose a parent.  I lost a best friend, a soulmate, a sounding board - my sanity.   As the years have passed, this day passes more easily, but occasionally there will be a little pyschic hiccup to remind me of the pain.


What keeps me going at this point is that we're only 3 weeks from the Winter Solstice, the official shortest, darkest day.  Once we hit here, I know it gets better.  Everything will begin to lift and lighten ...  as long as I get through Christmas.



Christmas used to bring me so much pleasure.  Decorating the tree, picking exciting presents, drinking snowballs, driving people mad with my impatience.   All that changes when you get divorced and you no longer get to have the child every Christmas.  Even though you didn't choose to separate, you get to pay the price, and who wants to sit alone in a house where Christmas mocks you?


So I no longer do Christmas.   Of course I buy gifts for the daughter, but I don't do the hoopla.  It's pretty much like any other week in our house.  I can't even be arsed with Christmas music anymore - they represent a happiness that is no longer mine, and frankly, they just piss me off.


So on Christmas Day, we eat what we want.  One year we had sausage and mash, another year, curry (I'm not a fan of roasts).   We treat ourselves, but non-traditionally, and as for Beth, well she gets the whole hoopla at the other house, so she's fine.  And once Christmas is gone, (and the icy death trap roads are clear) things get easier.  I know I'm past the worst, and soon Spring will be here.



So how am I today?  Well, scattered.  Scattered is my first stage symptom, where it's a battle to keep my mind on track, fearless, and WHOLE.  It's when it gets hard to focus, do stuff and COMMIT to living (and I don't mean that not committing to living means wanting to die; no,it means wanting to do nothing).


But today I am a little brighter than yesterday (hence why there was no blog post yesterday), and with each year that passes I understand more how to keep myself on an even keel.   Anxiety however, doesn't like to be left out, so currently my stomach is in knots waiting to get my car through it's MOT and the house through its inspection, and the extension of my tenancy.


But Matt Haig has helped.   I've mentioned his book, Notes on a Nervous Planet, so often, but it's almost a form of medicine.   My car gets MOT'd on Wednesday.  Sat here on Sunday, there is NOTHING I can do to affect that outcome.   I need to enjoy the moment until the moment changes, and not worry about it 1 second before.   Of course that is sooooooooo much easier said than done, but at least I recognise it now, and I can try and keep the panic in the box.



Now for those of you who actually see me on a daily basis, you probably won't notice any change in me.  One of the things about depression - we are MASTERS at having a game face.  We're actors.   We know how to cover the cracks externally whilst we're weeping and bleeding on the inside.


So, autumn.  Bit shit.  Christmas, can't be arsed.   But soon, soon it will be Spring.  And the darkest hour is ALWAYS before dawn.

Leadership In Action or Leadership Inaction - What All Leaders Can Learn From Brexit

Hi Everyone



In my day job, I'm a Learning and Development Manager. As part of this, I get to do Leadership training, and leadership is a subject that I LOVE and could discuss probably for 22 hours straight without drawing breath.  It's a subject I'm passionate about, and I love learning about it (it's one of the main reasons I'm such a fan of 5 Live Sport).


Leadership is so many things.  At its best, it should be effortless. At its worst, it makes people feel like fleas trapped in a jam jar.   As the Brexit mess unfolds around us, week by week, day by day, it gives us many many lessons on what leadership is, and what it isn't.



VISION.   This is where leadership starts.  If you don't know where to point the bus, you're fucked.  How do you know which direction to drive in?  How will people know whether to hop on board?   How will you know when you get there?


This is the main leadership problem Brexit gives us.  NO ONE - literally no one - knows what Brexit means.   No one can define what it looks like, where it is, how we get there or whether it's worth getting there, and this is why everything is such a mess.  For 2 years we've discussed Brexit with no idea of what it means.  No one is passionately championing it and campaigning for it, and telling us how awesome it's going to be.  BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS. 


Equally, no one is challenging the Government with a better solution.  It's oh so easy to be a critic, but no one is saying "this would work better". Why?   Because no one has a clue.




PEOPLE POWER.   The best leaders are consultative.  Rather than dictating, they invite the views of their teams, and involve them in change.  A little bit like we did with the Brexit referendum.  Little bit.   Most leaders worth their salt know which is their preferred solution, and although they're happy to have the debate and inspire ideas, they know where they're trying to get to (vision, see above).


We gave the British people a referendum with precious little facts, absolutely no vision, no definition of what Brexit would mean to each and every one of us (or that there could be 2 types of Brexit for fuck's sake), and a smug assumption people would vote to remain.  When Britain voted to Leave, the Government didn't have a clue what to do.



Because they hadn't PREPARED (Leadership point number 3).   You've got to know your stuff, your stats, your people, your PLAN.   It's the old chestnut - fail to prepare, prepare to fail.  We didn't prepare for Brexit because no one thought it would happen.   We failed to prepare and ... oh wow, guess what, we're failing.  (Although why this should surprise us in a country that year after year fails to prepare for snow is anyone's guess).



THE LEADER.    When the going gets tough, keep going, said Winston Churchill.  To be fair, Theresa May DOES keep going, but whether through choice or because she's been replaced by a robot is unclear.  Leaders need to have vision, charisma, influencing skills and be straight talking.   None of these are really in Theresa's kit bag.   To be fair, she went for the bold (and I believe right) move when she called a general election to strengthen her position.   Ironically, because of a lack of general leadership skills, she failed.   And here we are.



TEAMWORK makes the dream work.   Teams should be hard-working, focussed on a common goal and committed to helping each other get there, come what may.  Does that sound like our Government?   No.   They are self-centred individuals with only 1 agenda - themselves.


This gives us 2 problems.   To elevate themselves, they criticise their leader (a Teamwork 101 no-no).   But, they refuse to present a better solution (because they don't have one).  They are critical, but not constructive.   These are the worst type of arseholes to work with.  The toxic people who poison everything and contribute nothing.  The people who turn up, but don't really show up.   None of these people has anything visionary to say and even if they did, they probably lack the balls to do it - their preferred strategy is to wait around for May to fall on her sword and then swoop in with a magnificent thrust of "I told you so".



So we have no leadership, no vision, no plan, no team. Worse, we are following through on a decision made by the uneducated masses - and I don't mean that the British people are thick, just that no-one gave us the right information to vote on.   No one had hard facts that showed whether Brexit was a great or disastrous idea for our country because our politicians were too smug and confident to think anything would really happen.  If that doesn't spell recipe for disaster, then I don't know what does.



So what do we do?  Well in business you wouldn't keep pursuing blindly something that made no sense and that you didn't even want.  We should have done our analysis - IS Brexit good for the country? - and THEN asked the people for their opinion.   With categorical proof that it was the RIGHT THING TO DO, pretty much any leader could have got it over the line.


I am agog that we have wasted 2 years to get nowhere.  If it were my business, I would pull the plug and sack the Project Manager.   I might retain an open mind as to whether it was still a good idea - but I would need convincing, via facts and figures.   


Sometimes, politicians are so consumed with themselves that they forget why they are there in the first place - FOR US.   They HAVE to do what is right for us.   If they are not convinced it is the right thing, they need to stand up and shout and stop the madness, not just flounce off in a sulk.   We demand integrity from our politicians, and more than anything, Brexit has revealed how painfully lacking they are.



If you want to know how to set a goal, and lead a team and a project to get there, don't look at Brexit.   Look at what Sir Alex did at Manchester United, look at Apple, or UK Cycling.   Or, look at our Government and LEARN from what's going wrong and make damn sure it doesn't happen in YOUR business.  


Musicians and writers will always tell you that the best songs, the best poems, the best ideas, they write themselves.  They're effortless.   It FLOWS.   It's fun!!   Nothing THIS painful is ever good.   And if we ignore the pain now, and plough on, that doesn't make us strong and heroic, it makes us closed-minded and committed to stupidity.


Brexit - you've been illuminating, but I hope one day you're just an "almost happened" footnote, rather than a reality.

How To Completely Relax For A Week

Hi Everyone



Last week, I had a week off from work, and it was everything I needed it to be.  I had started to become a bit frazzled, and by the Thursday of last week I realised I was completely and utterly relaxed and stress free, so much so in fact, that getting back to work this week has been a real struggle, something like waking up (slowly) from a blissful coma.


So, how on earth did I manage it, this Holy Grail of what we all would like a week off to be?   I've only ever once felt this relaxed in my life, after a week in Ireland where life is lived ... differently.   



Firstly, I made no plans or commitments.  Often, when we have time off, we stuff it with all the things we don't get to do when we're too busy working - seeing friends, trips away, amusing the children, shopping.   I had just 3 things to do - go to the hairdressers (hardly a chore), go for a check up the hospital (nicely booked for mid-week) and go for blood tests at the doctors (a 30 minute round trip).   So really, pretty much nothing, and in my head it felt like just one thing required any effort - that mid-week trip to the hospital.


ALL THE OTHER TIME WAS FOR ME TO DO WHATEVER THE HELL I WANTED ... even if that was nothing.


I think one of the very important things about relaxation is that it has to be focused on YOU. You can't relax if you're running the kids around, tidying the house, ticking things off a list.  YOU HAVE TO UNPLUG COMPLETELY.



So each morning when I woke up, I had no plans. I had vague things I thought I might want to do, but nothing concrete.  No pressure.  No commitments.  No "if I don't do this I will verbally abuse myself for being a loser".


One of the most frustrating things about my depression is my difficulty reading.  However, I learnt this month that if the book is about something I am OBSESSED about, diving into it, DROWNING in it, does not seem to be a problem!  These last few weeks, lots of things have been happening about Sylvia Plath, and I actually managed to read 3 whole books relating to her or her life.   


Reading is one of the best remedies in life.  As is writing, I find.  It's total immersion, and the best way to escape your real world anxieties, which is why I am so bitter that reading is often not an option for me.  Sharing someone ELSE'S head space is crucial for rebalancing and countering yourself, and the other thing what worked here was Matt Haig's Notes On A Nervous Planet.

There will be a whole blog post devoted to that book at some point, but early in my week off, one evening, I sat and finished the last 150 pages of it, and at the end I felt calm, cleansed and recentred.  It was almost a holy experience, and I think it's responsible for much of the calm I'm still feeling now.


Cooking.   I am obsessed with food, love it, and given unlimited financial means, I would eat out every single night (and lunch .... and breakfast lol).   I also enjoy cooking, and one of the things I often use time off for is to cook things I don't necessarily get the time to cook or experiement with in a normal week.   Last week I perfected my chicken satay noodles, and as I always batch cook, it kept me happy through 6 lovely meals.



Netflix et al.   It can sometimes feel like stolen time, but there is very little quite as decadent as waking up, snuggling down in bed, and devouring a whole box set over the course of that day, never leaving said amazing bed except to pee and eat.  I devoted a whole day to The Sinner, watching it in one great big greedy gulp - and loving it.   I caught up on Bodyguard and a load of other great new TV programmes and came out the other side ... chilled, my head less full of me, and in a more leisurely frame of mind.


What was interesting is that in having no fixed agenda, I probably got more done than if I'd had a list of things.  I actually DID tidy the house.  I actually DID do several loads of washing.  I actually DID do a lot of decluttering.  But because there was no pressure to do so, no obligation to myself, it was easier to CHOOSE to do it, and then feel smug about it afterwards lol.



There was really only one thing I did differently last week - I made sure I kept my normal sleep pattern.  My natural body clock would have me fall asleep somewhere around 1 or 2 am and wake up at about 10 or 11.   It only takes 2 or 3 days out of my normal routine for my body to find its way back to its preferred pattern.


Last week I made the conscious effort to still go to bed at my normal bedtime (10pm), thus ensuring I would be awake most days by about 8am.  Did it make a difference?  I think it did.  I think we're more inclined to "do stuff" when we have the WHOLE day ahead of us.  When you don't roll out of bed til 2pm, it's hard to muster much enthusiasm for anything other than more yawning and more chilling. It's about balance.

So here's your Top Tips if you really want to relax - 

1.  Don't make too many plans or commitments, you need FREE TIME

2.  Know what makes you happy, and make sure you spend plenty of time doing this.

3.  Be selfish.  It's YOUR free time, so why should you spend it on someone else?

4.  Get plenty of sleep.  Sleep is key to a healthy mind.

5.  Be kind to yourself.  Don't have expectations or heap as much pressure on yourself as you would at work.  When you have a week off, there is only ONE objective - to relax.   Piling the pressure on, or running around after other people is not going to help that.


I'm a big advocate of being selfish to maintain my mental health.  That doesn't mean I'm a shitbag to other people, but it does mean I prioritise MY needs and MY mental health above what other people need from me.  Obviously this rule has to be flexible where children are concerned, but if YOU'RE not going to look after you, then who is?


Next time you have some time off - DO NOTHING.  Resist the temptation to win awards for Best Parent / Friend  or Most Productive Individual.  Trust me, your mind, body and soul will thank you for it.

Twitter, Twits and Tremendousness

Hi Everyone



So a few weeks ago, I decided to give Twitter another bash.  I'd first tried it maaaaany years ago, and the banality of it bored me.  However, recently a lot of good things seemed to be happening on Twitter, plus it appeals to the voyeur in me, so ..... jumped back in I did.


The first hilarious thing was how many nail related things I'd followed.  Companies I'd never worked with, bloggers I didn't even know ... the list was endless and took quite some deleting!   Worse was finding a once very close friend, who disappeared without trace, happily tweeting again under another name.  We'd been worried when she retreated from the world, and she never once bothered to tell us she was ok .. or back.   I'm glad she's ok, but also hurt that she couldn't find a way - however awkwardly - to let us know she was still here.


The biggest thing I love about Twitter is that you can build your own world.  You can choose what news you follow, who influences and infiltrates your world, and to what extent you interact.   You can deny entry to the Kardashians and the ignorance of other reality-TV imbeciles.  You don't have to consume the news the institutions want to serve you - you can find your own.   And quite often, that's a very different world. 



So who did I decide to follow and why?  Here's a sample -

Mr Trump himself.  I was sick of hearing things spun and secondhand so I thought I'd hear it all from the horse's mouth.  Turns out the horse IS an ass, and his tweets are as infuriating as everything else about him.  I could literally feel my blood pressure coming to the boil whenever I read his delusions so .... short-lived but he had to go.



So too did an ex-blogger friend who couldn't stop herself rising to his bait.  I deleted him because I didn't want to see his shit, and now I was still seeing him through her, and worse, seeing him through her anger (however justified).   One thing about our mental health - you just HAVE to get rid of everything that doesn't have a positive impact on you.  So, despite cute cat videos, she had to go too.


Talking of mental health - Mr Matt Haig.  @MattHaig1 is literally my new hero.  He has written an amazing book called Notes on a Nervous Planet (more on which in a further post) but he speaks daily - and with SENSE and humanity - on the realities of depression and how our culture feeds our anxiety and then belittles it.   There is SO much wisdom in his book, many things that resonated profoundly with me, but I love that he keeps the dialogue alive every day, as it needs to be.



I like sport - well, watching, not doing - so I have a lot of @5livesport in my feed, including their awesome presenters (same applies for @bbc5live too).   Amidst all this, there is probably nothing as good at capturing the emotion of sport as Test Match Special - @bbctms - and its coverage of the last week has been nothing short of outstanding.



Sport isn't the only thing that brings us together, as Twitter proves every day.  Recently, the important and lovely Rachael Bland lost her fight with cancer.  Her positivity, her love for her son, and her legacy, all will live on, along with her brilliant podcast, You, Me and the Big C.   If you ever think Twitter is soulless, you weren't around the week she died.


Because life needs to have some smiles, my new favourite Twitterer is @emrgencyKittens (yes, this is how it's spelt) which delivers a much needed dose of kitty silliness every day.  Even better, there are all sorts of other emergency feeds to brighten your day.



Heroes.  We all have our idols.  I think it's ridiculously cool how Twitter enables you to interact with them, and GASP, be acknowledged by them.  I'm a big fan of the Gratitude Attitude and try to compliment people in my every day life.  It's been great to let some of those idols know how much I've enjoyed their latest TV series, book or whatever.  Tres cool.


Twitter also has some fascinating and endless debates - ergo Dawn French and the cream scone.  Every day, semi-humorous battles abound about whether the jam or the cream should come first.  Love it.   When the world is full of darkness and danger, my life NEEDS this.



Speaking of darkness and danger, there is nothing so weird at the moment as the story of 2 Russian spies in Salisbury.  More than anything, Twitter helps spotlight the absurdity of life in a way that "real" news can't.  My favourite tweet this week?  A comedian (I can't remember who) tweeted - asking for a friend who has 2 days to spend in this country, where should he visit?   London and Edinburgh, Liverpool and Manchester, Oxford and Cambridge or Salisbury and Salisbury?


It's tempting to say "you can't make this shit up" but weirdly, this IS our reality.  We can't control the events of the world, but we CAN control whether we consume them and how we consume them.  Personally, I don't want to read about the economic crisis, Brexit, gang warfare and all the other doom and gloom in the world.  My anxiety can't take it.  I can only survive if I create a world I can breathe in, and thankfully, Twitter lets me do that.


If you want to follow me or Tweet me or delete me, I'm @TheCrumpet1